I’m in the bathroom stall, face hot, hands shaking, tears looming and thoughts racing... 

“Do I belong here?”

“Am I good enough?”

“Was I wrong?”

“Why didn’t anyone else say anything…again?” 

I hear a ding on my phone...

“Hey, thank you so much for saying something!”

Another ding

“I wish I had your courage…”

Ding

“I should have said something, I’m sorry.”

**Mental note to self: Well, what is stopping you? 

DING

“For a junior scientist you don’t act like an outsider at all, good on you, I could never speak up when I was a junior scientist!”

DING

“I’m sorry you always have to be the one to say something…”

I sit down, the tears run down my face, the weight of the world falls on my shoulders, I swallow 300 mg of Gabapentin, I wipe my face, I smile, I go back. I persist on…

The problem is that these are examples of being an inactive bystander. And the bigger problem is that these people know that they are inactive bystanders and choose not to change. They’ve convinced themselves that at least acknowledging my bravery, or their wrong doing, somehow exonerates them from their inactivity. They build the person they have just harmed up with compliments and pleasantries while subsequently and silently admitting to watching you get abused and not doing a damn thing about it. They watched it and felt so bad by the attack that their guilt caused them to pick up a device and admit, apologize, and compliment, while making you relive the situation. Causing you to question why they didn’t stand up for you, causing you to question their allyship, causing you to question their intentions in general. But they apologized and complimented your strength, so the only respectful response is “You’re welcome” or “Someone has to say something” or “You got it next time!” 

The problem with inactive bystanders is that they are worse than the offender. They see a problem, feel in their soul that something is wrong, yet still choose to watch. What makes inactive bystanders unbearable is the inherent need to impose their allyship with guilt filled emails or texts while disregarding the perpetuation of their harm. This performative allyship has to stop, because who needs an ally behind closed doors when I’m the one behind the door?

From a young age, I struggled with understanding how people hurt people and even more troubling was trying to understand how other people watch people hurt people. It makes me sad, it makes me disappointed, and it makes me angry. So of course, I’ve thought of some tips of how you can go from an inactive to an active bystander! 

1. Say something, you can call them out or disrupt the situation

2. Do something, take note, write it down, report it anonymously 

3. Ask yourself why you don’t want to do 1 or 2

4. If you choose to be inactive, which is step 3, don’t contact me after

5. Don’t be inactive, don’t repeat step 3 or 4  

These tips are super brief, and you can check out our WOCShop program to dive in deeper, but these basic tips are truly guiding principles. If something doesn’t feel right in a meeting or situation between colleagues, say or do something, and if you can’t, ask yourself why? Why are you letting this go? Does it jeopardize your safety? Why be inactive when you know something is wrong? If you choose not to say or do anything (which is your right) PLEASE DON’T email, tweet, text, or chat me about it after. I WAS THERE, I saw what you did. Your inaction is trash, therefore I know you are trash, so please resist the urge to message me. BUT hopefully the ultimate goal is to simply be an active bystander always on the lookout for equity and justice, which sounds pretty good to me!