I got gaslit, again
Me: “Hey y’all, where is the large gel rig?”
Person 1: “Do they even make a large gel rig?”
Person 2: “I always use the small gel rig and do multiple runs”
Person 1: “Why would you even want to use a large gel rig? That sounds like a lot”
Now, you’re probably thinking (or actually and hopefully you’re not), what’s so wrong with this conversation? Glad you asked. This simple exchange is a prime example of “Gaslighting”, and you may have also noticed my question never got answered.
So, let’s define gaslighting, and I took this STRAIGHT from Wikipedia because I wanted to get this RIGHT for y’all.
“Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem”
The facts: I am skilled and trained scientist and I was talking to people I thought were also skilled and trained scientists. I asked a question about where a piece of equipment was located because I was new to the lab. The response I was expecting was, “it’s in the cabinet” or “I don’t know” because that was clearly the answer. But instead of simply admitting this fact, my question was criticized and my abilities to make decisions as a scientist were doubted.
Oh wow, all that happened in that simple interaction?!
YUP
how??!!
Ohhh, you’re one of those, cool. Let’s break it down.
“Do they even make…” this suggests you think I’m lying. You think that me, Dr. Moore would sit in a meeting and ask for something that I didn’t already know existed? Really?
“I always use…” yeah, probably because you didn’t know a larger one existed buddy, that’s your fault not mine, and again not my question, but here we are...
“Why would you even use…” so now your questioning my experimental design when I just asked for equipment location? Oh. Ok then. Full stop. I didn’t ask you that.
But even knowing all these things in my mind. I just sat there muted, thoughts racing through my head. Feeling stupid, anxiety building, questioning myself
“Hmm DOES a large gel rig exist?”
“WAS I dreaming when I used one before all those other times in my old lab?”
“Is MY experimental design flawed?”
“Am I a good SCIENTIST?”
“Do I BELONG here?”
“Oh shit, I just got gaslit...AGAIN”
“Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual…evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem”
This conversation took 1 minute and 30 seconds out of an hour lab meeting on a random weekday yet has stuck with me for the 10000000000000000000000000000000000000 minutes since. It’s a defining moment for me. It’s when I decided I would find my voice. It’s when I decided I would never allow myself to feel that way again without at least calling it out to the person after. It’s when I decided that I would shine light on these negative interactions happening right in our faces that are being passed off as group discussions. It’s time for people to normalize just saying, “I don’t know” instead of gaslighting and causing mental distress.
These daily negative experiences shouldn’t happen to anyone in the workplace BUT they happen to women of color significantly more. So, it’s simply time for that to change, and that’s why I founded A WOC Space, LLC. It’s time to change the cultural climate that promotes white supremacy and minority inferiority. It’s time for accessible tools that destroy barriers suppressing women of color (WOC) and increase ally education. It’s time to do the work and create A WOC Space in every place.
Is your workplace A WOC Space? Sign up for a consultation and bring one of our WOCShops to your place!