To the advisor that didn’t believe in me

Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down, and I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I got kicked out of my first PhD program…

As an undergraduate student at Winthrop University, I thought I wanted to be a pediatrician, but I soon realized that I actually didn’t like kids as much as I thought. The end of my biology degree was looming, and I needed to make some decisions, so of course I decided to take Dr. Peter Philip’s tropical ecology course with a field experience in Costa Rica because, FREE TRIP!!  I got there, we were on a boat collecting water samples and talking about marine science, I was sold, I was in love, I forgot about babies and embraced Mother Nature’s most perfect child…water. 

After graduating, I started a Master’s program at Hampton University, a Historically Black College (HBCU) under the mentorship of Dr. Benjamin Cuker. At Hampton, I became a scientist. I was trained on water quality monitoring equipment, and learned words like, “eutrophication and purchase order.”  Nearing the end of a quick two-year program (even though writing my thesis felt like two years alone), and under the encouragement of Dr. Cuker, I applied to the chemical oceanography PhD program at Old Dominion University and was accepted with a teaching assistantship package. I WAS ECSTATIC! If those folks could see me now, I was defying the odds, I was NOT going to be the stereotypical minority from a single parent home. No, I was going to become a doctor…a water doctor at that!  

Physical oceanography wasn’t my focus, but it was a requirement for the program to get a B or higher in the class. I got a C…twice. They kicked me out. Of course, it wasn’t that simple, but that’s what happened. Had there been an ally in the room, things might have turned out differently. The graduate advisor called me in his office and he said, “Tiara you have above a 3.0 overall GPA in all the other required courses even with the C, I think we can make a case for you staying in the department as long as we have your advisor's approval.”

My advisor’s approval? My advisor that only had 1 student but never supported me. My advisor that I had worked with for 1.5 years. My advisor that refused to help me when I asked questions during his class or in office hours. My advisor that belittled my conference abstract acceptance and stated his work should be presented instead. My advisor that didn’t believe me when I told him I wasn’t being graded fairly in the physical oceanography class. My advisor that I had just asked to get transferred from. 

With a heavy heart I went to my advisor and told him the options, either I would be dismissed from the program or they could make an acceptance since my overall GPA was over a 3.0. He scoffed immediately, “I don’t want to set that type of precedent in MY department!” On December 24, 2014 I received an email, “Dear Tiara, Due to your repeated failure…you have been dismissed from the Ph.D. program.” Damn. I failed. I tried, but I failed. 

Or did the department and my advisor fail me? At the time I was 1 of 2 Black students in the department and the only Black student in my cohort. During the physical oceanography class in question, there were multiple times when I noticed I was marked wrong for the same answers white students got right. I finally got a white ally on my side and they agreed to show the professor our tests as to which there was over a 20-point difference. The professor looked at me then looked at the student with the ultimate betrayal in their eyes and TOOK THE POINTS from the student. The professor looked at me and said, “Are you happy now?” No one else defended me after that, I was continuously mis-graded, I reported it. Nothing happened. No one believed me. I was the problem. No one believed in me. I was dismissed. 

Fast forward (because my recovery is a whole nother blog) and I’m now Dr. Moore, a mentor at the latest Ocean Sciences Meeting. I feel a soft tap on my back, “Hi Tiara” it’s my old advisor. He cranes his neck to see my nametag, a slight heat feels my body. It’s been 5 years, he looks the same, I almost smile at the familiarity until the trauma rushes back. “Hi Dr..I meant Dave, how are you?” I turn around and fully expose my nametag. “Oh wow, you finished!” as to which I responded, “Heard you haven’t had a grad student since I left!” and he squirmed a bit, but that was it…

At that same conference, I saw several old professors from that department that didn’t believe in me. I went through the poster session and gave each of them a nod as I walked with my team of minority mentees with a big smile on my face. Before the conference ended though, one lone professor found me and said, “Dr. Moore, congratulations!” So many thoughts and emotions struck me, but what do you say to the people that didn’t believe in you…?

Fuck you said my heart

“Thank you” said my mouth

To be honest, the fact that they didn’t want me in their department allowed me to break free from a toxic environment and go on to receive my PhD from the number one public school, UCLA. I make this point because most minority students aren’t this lucky. I saw minority grad students from the OEAS department at that conference, that were still in the program, which they had started before I left (over 6 years). I found out that the other Black student was given an MS instead of a PhD after being there for 8 years! 

I think of the Black student I left behind who probably endured so much only to be given a MS after 8 years? The advisor that didn’t believe in me hasn’t had a grad student in 5 years but still has a job AND is running the recruitment table at conferences? Did the department hear nothing? Just this year this same department still had MY photo on the website claiming it was diverse yet hasn’t had a Black PhD student since I left. It wasn’t until I took to Twitter and asked publicly that they removed it.

This has to stop. 

These departments MUST be held accountable. Why did I have to be sacrificed if nothing was going to be changed? Or maybe that’s it, they sacrificed me because they knew I was the change! 

I demand that the Old Dominion University Department of Ocean, Earth, and Atmospheric Sciences have a third-party do a full-scale investigation into the racist practices of its professors, hiring, and enrollment. I implore the OEAS department to issue an apology to all minority students that have been harmed in the past due to said practices. I further demand that the department commit funding to hire a diversity consultant to fully assess the department’s toxic culture. Upon completion of the assessment, I demand ODU to FIRE the professors identified as perpetual racial harassers and hire BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color) professors to replace them. Upon completion of the assessment, I further demand that OEAS reestablishes partnerships with HBCU’s like Hampton University and restores funding to support Black student enrollment. These demands are BARE minimum and should be completed expeditiously, but I also highly suggest ODU follow and complete the demands laid out by the Faculty at Princeton University.